Breaking the Silence

           I have several posts that are almost complete but I feel like it is time to share a little more personal information this week. I have been silent on my medical condition for a while to have time to process, readjust, heal and have some time to pray and think about how to proceed from here. After speaking with Jonathan, we have decided that I will share more details of my condition, but I do request privacy for any information I am not sharing.

            As you may or may not know, our amazing son was a surprise pregnancy. At the time I was upset because I did not understand what Adonai was doing. I had a lot of life changes going on and then this pregnancy. But, we trusted that He knew best (which he did) and began to prepare and get excited about the arrival of Amos. I had a difficult pregnancy, and an emotional traumatic birth, but baby was strong and healthy and that was all that mattered to me. I recovered fairly well too which was a blessing.

            I returned to work about 3 months after having Amos and did fine for a while. However, in March I began to have a constant abdominal pain. I ignored it for a week, but since it wasn’t going away, and was actually getting worse; I contacted my doctor. She wasn’t concerned but went ahead and scheduled a few tests and told me to come back the next day, which I did. Several ovarian cysts and a tiny fibroid tumor were discovered so she prescribed a medication and sent me on my way. I took the meds for 10 days but the pain was just increasing, not decreasing. I went to see the doctor again and after another exam, she told me she did not know what was wrong. I toughed it out another week but when I could not even stand to teach for more than a few minutes, the decision was made for me to return Stateside, ASAP for medical evaluation and treatment.  

            It took many doctors’ visits and several weeks, but I finally got a diagnosis. I have two different conditions which are exacerbating each other. I will only share one of these, but it is the main issue. I have Pelvic Congestion Syndrome (PCS). This is a rare (or rarely diagnosed) condition where there are varicose veins on the ovaries and in the uterus. Because it is rare, there is not a lot of information about it, or very many successful treatment options.

            The main thing about PCS is it is a permanent condition. Although it is unclear what the main cause is, it is believed that stress plays a factor into it. It is most common after multiple pregnancies, but I am the rare percentage that has it after the first pregnancy. I have several treatment options but success rates vary and the only one with a high percentage of success is a complete hysterectomy. Yes, hysterectomy…after 1 child. OR I can just tough it out. The other options with a 65% or lower success rate do not sound worth it to me.

            But here is the most devastating part, and the one that has made me keep my silence this long. Regardless of whether or not I have a hysterectomy; I cannot have any more children…..

Although it is possible (and has been done) to conceive again, the condition will only worsen with each pregnancy. Since my condition got as bad as it did, I cannot imagine it getting worse and me still being able to do what I need to do. I cannot be bed-ridden and care for my family and help with ministry.

            Although it took several weeks for the reality of that statement to sink in, I instantly knew why the Lord sent Amos when he did. Yes, we are aware about adoption and are open to it in the future, but we have to make a choice about my long term treatment before considering anything like that.

            This diagnosis has been especially hard on me since I have returned to teaching. I have been asked several times if I was pregnant due to the fact I have put on some weight (I am on a diet now so hopefully those questions will soon start dropping of). I know they don’t mean anything by the question, but is just a dagger in the heart every time I am asked. I always just smile and laugh it off saying I am just fat, but it is something that stays with me for hours.

            I am breaking my silence on this not for pity, but so you understand why my posts have been a little more spaced out than they usually are. Between ministry, work, this and now grad school, I have had more than I can handle. I am starting to get my feet back under me, but it is going to take a while to regain my balance from that blow. I have also gone off of my medicine (for reasons I do not want to share) so there will be days that will be harder than others. Prayers for us to have wisdom as to how to proceed from here would be greatly appreciated.

            We know that being on the front lines means we will get more and stronger hits, but this one came out of left field and hit very hard. Obviously, we are still going forward with ministry, we refuse to let this prevent it. But there are times when this still open and raw wound resurfaces.

            Hopefully, my next post will be more interesting and less about me; but I just felt ready to share with you all what has been effecting me/us.

            Until next time, may Adonai bless you.