I have been debating what to write
about all week. I could talk about Christ’s death because Easter was a few
weeks ago and Passover is Friday night; or I could talk about life here in the
Dominican now that the heat is kicking in. But instead I have decided to have
another completely open and honest post, and discuss some things that I have
been dealing with both spiritually and physically.
Let me preference this by saying
that I know, ultimately, my frustrations come from discontentment. I am working
on being content in all things; I am just struggling right now and need to feel
heard. I do not expect any solutions or even positive comments, but this is a
very real struggle for me, so I am going to talk about it openly.
To put it simply, I am mad at God. I
know this wrong. But it’s true. I am mad at God. I am not turning my back on
him or running away or anything, I am just like a toddler that is mad at their
parents. I still talk to him and such, but there is just this overall since of
anger and frustration with Him.
Now that I have said a very
un-missionary and un-pastor’s wife thing, I will try to explain why I am angry.
There has been a lot going on in the
last 6 months, really the last several years, but it has been incredibly
intense in the last 6 months. I got married in November (yay!), graduated in
December (yay!), moved out of the country in December, started construction on
our home in January, and started work in February. I started learning Spanish
and I still live in a construction zone. I started working out of necessity,
not by choice (although I do enjoy my job) with the intention of saving money
for a car and to finish our house. Then, I found out in early February that I
am pregnant. That was not in the plan ever.
I am mad because I am overwhelmed
and feel cut off from people. I cannot speak the language, we don’t have a car
so I can’t even get the store, the doctor or work without it taking 2-3 times
longer than it should. I have 14 hour days counting commuting time because of
having to take transportation and I leave in a small unfinished garage. Yes, I
have power and running water, hallelujah for that!
We are awaiting our tax refund to
purchase a car we found but because I could not e-file due to living
internationally, it is taking up to 6 weeks to come in. My sanity may not last
those 6 weeks. Our USA bank account is at $1 which we will shut down after we
get our taxes but in the meantime there are monthly maintenance fees I am being
hit with that is causing overdraft because the balance is so low.
I don’t feel good, ever. The morning
sickness is gone which is good, but due to the heat I cannot stay hydrated and
am getting massive headaches as a result which makes me not eat which makes me
feel awful when I get up the next morning. I cannot drink on the way home
because once I leave work its 90 minutes to the next bathroom and the public
transportation is un-air-conditioned (except for our brief ride in the train
but the station is un-air-conditioned), and cramped; Dominicans have no personal
bubbles. So I am already exhausted but then I get super dehydrated and sweaty
just trying to get home.
My plantars fasciitis has been
acting up for a couple of weeks which makes my already swollen and tired feet
(from pregnancy) even more painful. I know it’s from standing and walking in
bad shoes but due to not having a car, we cannot get to the store that has good
sneakers before they close, because of work. We should have plenty of time, but
because we have to take the school van to the train then the train to the bus
and the bus to wherever, it is after 5 before we get to the general area. Plus,
I am always at the end of my rope by the time we actually get close to home.
I am not sleeping at night which
makes the days very difficult. During the weekend I can nap but not during the
week. It just all piles up and by the time we get back on Friday I literally
fall into bed at 7:30 and don’t get up until sometime the next morning.
I am frustrated that the Lord is
saying “wait” on things I think we need now: a car, a house suitable for a
baby, sneakers, etc. I knew this was going to be the case when I married
Jonathan, but I prayed and asked Adonai to not send a baby for at least a year,
closer to two…nope, he sends it 2.5 months later. I keep asking Him, WHY???
Don’t get me wrong, I love the baby
and we agreed that when the baby came it was the Lord’s will, but I still don’t
understand why. Life was hard, overwhelming, challenging and such before, why
add the baby into the mix?
I can handle a lot if I feel okay,
if I understand what is going on in my body. I don’t know and throw in mood
swings (which is something I absolutely CANNOT stand) and I am literally at my
wits end. I don’t feel or act like me and it is driving me crazy.
Jonathan is handling things well but
even he is frustrated with some of the circumstances. He is dealing with other
things and is overwhelmed with that so although I lean on him a lot, I cannot
lean on him as much as I want and (probably) need too.
I feel cut off because I am 1,600
miles from my family and I am not close to anyone here. It’s hard to get in
touch with my family sometimes, and some of them just don’t really seem to want
to talk with me. Some distant family only wants to talk about the Zika virus
threat down here and don’t really inquire or seem to care about my everyday
life. I don’t think any of the actions are intentional, but it just makes me
feel even further removed from everyone than just distance.
Add too all of this a since of
failure because I cannot do some of things a wife needs to do and Jonathan is
feeling the effects of it. I have no energy to do basic things like dishes,
ironing, cooking, cleaning etc. Just coming home and lesson planning for the
next day pushes me to my limit, even though I can lay down while looking for worksheets
for the kids. I usually try to make dinner but the heat from the stove is
oftentimes overwhelming. So I go to bed feeling defeated because I can’t even
make lunch for the next day. I get up at 4:00am trying to get things done but I
still fail at getting everything pulled together and getting us out the door by
5:40 (yet another reason we need a car…we could sleep and leave much later). So
I start my day in a slump because I go to bed feeling like I failed as a wife
and leave in the morning unable to help my husband locate everything he needs
and make food and get out on time.
As a result, Jonathan is having to
take on a lot more than he should and it is wearing us both down fast.
So, I have this long depressing post
to ask for extra prayers. There is a lot going on in my life emotionally and it
is affecting my spiritual life. I am trying to work through everything but I am
being fairly unsuccessful. So, extra prayers please so I can be who I need to
be for Jonathan and to be about the Father’s business here in the Dominican
Republic. I am tired of my constant pity party. Thank you all.
Blessings
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