Created to Worship

There are many things I could write about, and some that I am working on for future posts. However, this week I want to talk about something that I have come to realize as I have walked through this very difficult 8 months.

I am now 29 weeks along in my pregnancy and can feel Amos moving all the time. I talk to Mom as often as wifi allows and ask her things about her pregnancies with both me and my brothers to compare. Whatever Amos does that doesn’t line up with Mom’s pregnancies, I blame on Jonathan because that is where it has to come from right????? ;-)

Anyway, back to the point of the post. Amos has shown some behavior that is very similar to mine in the womb, namely how he responds to some kinds of music. Although I do not remember this, Mom tells me that I danced in the womb. Amos does something similar, although it feels like a sway to me more than flips and such that I did.

But what does all of this have to do with this week’s blog post? It’s all about what we were created to do.

We are all put on this planet for some reason. We spend years trying to prepare ourselves and figure out what that “thing” is. For some of us it’s to be doctors, for others it’s to be musicians. Some might be teachers, and others missionaries, etc. All of these are wonderful and blessed and sometimes we might even combine several “callings” doing medical missions or teaching in low-income schools etc. But we all share one main purpose: worship

But what does worship actually mean? It’s a hard word to define. The dictionary has one definition, and people have others. Is there really a wrong definition though? Regardless of how you define worship, there is a main purpose, to draw closer to God and to glorify Him.

This takes on different forms for different people. During my Spiritual walk I have been to several different kinds of services; everything from Catholic Mass to Pentecostal Revivals and a bunch of things in between. Every denomination and person within that denomination has a different way to worship. Some it’s singing, some it’s playing an instrument, for some it’s nothing more than raising their hands and crying out or praying; for still others, it’s waving flags. The list goes on, if it is physically possible, someone may use it as a way to worship Adoani. Whether or not it’s a kosher form of worship (within the Christian context), is not for us to decide, but rather for Him. I have my own views about what is worship and what is not, as does everyone else. However, what I use to worship God is scorned by some denominations, approved by others and judged very easily. However, I try to tell myself when I find myself disapproving of someone’s worship that I am not Adonai. I do not know their hearts. Maybe they are sincere in their worship and who am I to judge the heart? As long as they are “in order” there is no reason for there to be judgement over how they worship. I don’t want to be judged, so I cannot judge them.

But this still leaves the question of how this relates to this week’s post. Well, that is a long story, so sit down, get comfy, have a cup of tea (or coffee if that’s your thing), and prepare for a lengthy response to this fairly simple question.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I danced in the womb. At 2 ½ I begged Mom for ballet lessons which I did get to do. I loved it! I danced until I was ready to go En Pointe but then stopped to pursue music. I do not regret my music training in the slightest. I can see how Adonai has used it and will continue to do so. However, I do regret quitting dance all together. I was about 14 or 15 before I started to dance again and this time it was Hebraic dance and it was only for a year or so. Then again, my dancing stopped. I began to develop signs of depression (probably due to teenage hormones) but was able to battle through it.

At 20 my family moved from Oklahoma to Tennessee and we joined a congregation that had worship dance. I danced once a week and it was so incredible! After the move my depression hit full force but I kept it hidden the best I could. However, the only time I was ever really free of it was during dance. After a few months I joined the dance team (along with a brother that shall remain nameless for now), and enjoyed the deliciousness of Hebraic dance mixed with ballet that became beautiful worship dance. Not long after this my Mom was diagnosed with cancer, but since it was a once a week commitment, my brother and I kept going to dance rehearsals. For the next year and a half; dancing, choreographing and teaching the children’s dance team kept me going and gave me the only joy I felt the whole time Mom was battling cancer.

When Mom was released (cancer free), I began college but kept dancing. Eventually, I had to go on depression medication, but dance was my release, my way to connect with the Father. Singing and playing my instruments were good but not the way I could freely worship. Even with the medicine, dance was the only time I felt 100% at peace and connected with the Father.

Well, after 3 years or so, dance again dried up. I decided to transfer schools as well, because with dance gone my depression hit bottom, even with medication. I thought a change of environment would be good for me. With emotional parental support and financial aid, I transferred to Cincinnati Christian University. I tried to get a dance team started there but it was not successful, for a variety of reasons I am sure. So I again fell into a dry spell with dance.

I quit going to church shortly after transferring up there. The only church I had means of getting too was not one I connected with, and I felt like I was not being fed spiritually from it. So, why go? I could stay and sleep and do homework. So that’s what I did. I applied myself full force to my studies and even met my husband during this time. I went off my depression medicine for financial reasons and have stayed off since. I began to go to church regularly with my boyfriend (now hubby), and fell into a comfortable routine. I helped teach ballet once a week for Christian service hours to some Hispanic girls, and that was that.

Fast forward to now. I am married, graduated college, moved internationally, got unexpectedly pregnant and became a first year teacher, all within 8 months. It is a lot to process! I began to slip back into what I call my “reclusive stage” which is a sign of my depression returning. Unwilling to go on medicine for it while pregnant, I wanted to just tough it out. It was too much though and resulted in a quick visit back to the States to help with processing. When I returned I found out that not only would I be teaching English during summer school, but also dance.

I tried to teach dance but the language barrier and my knee injury from earlier in the pregnancy was too much. I had to stop for a week while I was wearing my heart monitor and such. Eventually, another teacher came in and took over dance. After a few days though, I was asked to teach ballet to 2 girls. I thought I could handle that so I agreed. Sure enough, 2 girls was much more manageable, and ballet was easier than what I was trying to teach before which was a mix of dance styles.

Although I only spent 20ish minutes, dancing ballet again made me so happy. My blood sugar leveled out, I smiled the whole time and I felt like a different person. And I asked myself, why did I stop dancing? Just because I wasn’t in a group or didn’t feel good, if I know its how I connect to Adonai, why did I stop? I could still dance in my house, by myself, with the stereo going. Why, in this time of isolation, would I cut myself off further from God? I go to church regularly, but there is a language barrier (it is getting better though!) so I don’t get feed much spiritually from church, just because I can’t understand what is being said. So now, more than ever, I need to connect with God personally. Dance doesn’t hurt the baby, so why am I not dancing? I was created to worship, and I worship through dance. So it was in the womb, and so it is now. If I want Amos to worship Adonai in the way he feels connected/called/able, why would I not allow myself the same freedom? Maybe dancing during service is too much for this culture right now, but my living room is big enough and always open. The dog might even enjoy it!

So, this very lengthy post is basically to say, worship the way you were created too. Regardless of what that is. If that is how you feel connected to God then worship that way. People will judge, so what? They will judge something because it is human nature. But as long as you worship, and it pleases Adonai, then that is all that matters.

You were created to worship; don’t hide it under a bushel. You might just encourage someone else who worships the same way.

Until next week, blessings to your homes.